This week, 18th – 24th November, is the Childrens Grief Awareness Week. Whilst we hope that our children never have to experience the loss of a loved one until they are older, it is sadly something that many children have to go through. Grief is difficult for all of those involved, and it can be hard to know how to talk to your children about death. Children may respond to the loss of a loved one in all sorts of ways, and their understanding will be influenced by their age.
Explaining death
When telling your child about death, it is important to be as honest and transparent with them as possible. As we naturally want to protect children, it might seem kinder to use terms such as “passed away”, “lost” or “sleeping”. However, this can be confusing, as children will have existing understanding of these words, for example a child may have lost something in the past, but then found it, so they might think that the deceased is coming back. Using more concrete language such as “death” and “died”, no matter how hard it might seem, can be clearer for children. It is also important to help them to understand the permanency of death, as for younger children this can be a challenging concept to grasp. You might want to provide a simple biological explanation all well.
Barnardo’s provide a helpful example with a case of someone dying of cancer,
“I have something very sad and difficult to tell you. **** has died. Do you remember I told you they had cancer and that the doctors and nurses were doing everything they could to help them get better? Well, even though they tried really hard, their illness was too strong and their body could not get better. Their lungs stopped working and their heart stopped beating and they died.”
It is also helpful to tell the child as soon as you can, it is important for there to be trust and it can be hard for a child if they feel something has been hidden from them.
You child might have an emotional reaction to the news, and you might want to reassure them that this is ok. It is important to remember this can be expressed in a range of ways, with there being no right or wrong way of your child grieving. Your child might need time to process the information as well, so they might not immediately be as upset as you may anticipate. Again, as we want to protect our children, we can often want to hide our emotions from them. It is ok for your children to see you upset in a time of grief, this is something that will be emotive for you. Children also look up to adults, so you will also be letting them know that it is ok to show your emotions. When talking to your child, you might want something to comfort them, such as a favourite toy or blanket.
Children are naturally curious, so it is likely that they might have questions which can come up at all sorts of times, including what might seem like a long time after the death. Again, honesty is important, if children’s questions are left unanswered they might fill the gaps themselves. It is also important to ensure these are answered consistently too, as this might cause confusion. It is ok to tell a child that you do not know the answer to the question, such as what happens when we die. You may want to ask them what they think might happen.
Child Bereavement UK provide some sample questions a child might ask and ways these could be answered: https://www.barnardos.org.uk/get-support/support-for-parents-and-carers/mental-health/grief-and-loss/how-to-talk-to-your-child-about-grief
Funerals
It can be difficult to know whether or not it is right to take a child to a funeral, and there is no right or wrong answer to this. Children who are able to understand death can be given a choice, and it is also important that what they choose is respected. It might be helpful if a child attends that they stay with a trusted adult who might not be as affected by the loss for support. You might want to support your child in making this decision by telling them what a funeral is and what to expect.
By being at funeral, children have the opportunity to say goodbye. If the child does not attend for whatever reason, there can be ways to still make them feel involved. This could be by watching a live stream at home with a trusted adult, the child providing a keepsake to be placed with the loved one. They could be involved in some of the simple decisions such as what flowers to have, a piece of music, what sandwiches to have at the wake, for example. You might want to bring a keepsake home for the child, such a flower or the order of service.
Whether the child attends the funeral or not, it can be helpful afterwards to talk to them about it, and again they might have lots of questions.
Children’s Understanding of Death
How children understand and respond to death can be dependent on their age. Below is a guide to this, but remember every child is unique, so there might be some differences depending on the child.
0 – 2 years: These children will not have an understanding of death, yet will still experience a feeling of loss. They might show some separation anxiety, and search for the loved one. These children will need to be told that the person will not be returning and can benefit from routine (where possible), and cuddles. At this age, they will likely not have memories of the person, so keeping keepsakes and photos for them as they grow up can help them to build a sense of the person.
2 – 5 years: As mentioned earlier, it is important to use clear language for children as at this age they can take things quite literally, so may get confused by terms such as “Gone to sleep” or “We’ve lost xxxx”, maybe thinking that they will eventually wake up or be found. They will not understand the permanence of death, so might expect the return of the deceased. It is important to answer their questions honestly. Children might become more clingy and might show their feelings through their play.
5 – 8 years: At this age, children are beginning to have a clearer understanding of death and are starting to understand the permanency of it. They are likely to have more questions and can become caught up in their feelings about death. They might start to worry about the death of others. Again, children might show their feelings through their play, but also through a range of behaviours such as struggles with sleep and difficulties with emotional regulation. Some children might have a feeling of guilt surrounding the death, you can support your child by helping them to understand that it is not their fault.
8 – 12 years: The understanding of the permanency of death is even more established at this age. They also understand that is happens to everyone. Children at this age, might find it hard to communicate their feelings, and it can be expressed in their behaviour. They may start to have worries about their own death. It is important for them to have the opportunity to talk to a trusted adult.
13 – 18 years: At this age, young people will have an understanding of death, but may still struggle to deal with it. Young people may find it hard to talk to their parents, so have another trusted adult or peers to talk to can be beneficial. It is also important to recognise that there can be feelings of overwhelm when having to navigate both grief and pressures of school or college work. It is important not to pressure young people with adult responsibilities.
Sources:
Child Bereavement UK
Barnardo’s
Unicef
Bereavement Advice Centre
Reflections 
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